Writing Desk: Sketchbook: brainstorming file for the unwritten “Maca y Esther Gap fic”
… the arms I went through / searching / none holding me for long / until I was at home in yours.
(Catarina Orlandi, Songs in a Southern Manner)
She put me down. She put me down the first moment she saw me.
Too bad I thought it was hot.
People never dare to tell me off. She did. And after she knew who I was, she didn’t stop doing it. I think that was the first thing that attracted me to her.
And then, when I saw her smile, for real, the first time – perhaps she wouldn’t stand out in a crowd that much, but GOD when she smiles.
How gently she talked to some patient or other – how she organized her department…
– I bet she isn’t used to hear no; I don’t want to say no anymore even…
She’s too beautiful for me, she will dump me anyway, am I just another conquest for her,
Maca going to a cena with Esther’s friends – no catering, people in the kitchen, not a cook, and she was chopping vegetables and happily gazing at Esther who was drying off cutlery and the food was so much better afterwards, this was real life
When they finally get together, Maca’s little secret is that she likes Esther bossy from time to time. Perhaps that birthday promise note entails something similar.
All her life, the right friends to be introduced to, wearing the right things, watching the right movies… Esther wore shirts with wild prints and said what she thought. She had probably never stood a chance, Maca thought wryly.
When she smiles, she smiles for real, her whole face lights up and no princess or actress could possibly be more beautiful. She has a sincerity that makes me addicted. Something so far from the jet set… real, tangible, earthy, good. To hold and treasure, mine alone, always.
Can I bring you home with the bike?
How about we go to your place?
My shit list just expanded by a few of her exes. And I thought girls were bitches. Jesus. Guys are just jerks.
All the starved model types… even Azucena, who had married someone normal, but had been one of those overbred kids, not by birth but profession for a while – modeling? Blasé and playing her… – Maca had been new to this, not naïve, but idealistic… she had dumped her fiancé more r less at the altar, why couldn’t Azucena leave her husband?
What would it take to make Maca jealous? A guy? An ex? Isn’t she jealous or doesn’t she show it? Does she ever wonder if there is something she can’t buy or charm off someone?
A life that is all normal and all mine.
Went out with the guys that were appropriate and almost married one of them. Knowing I liked girls beforehand. Making out with Eva the night of my bachelorette party. Then Azucéna. Waiting, sneaking in, sneakaing out pretending to just be a friend when he came home early. For more than a year, a week together, month of not seeing her.
She asked for the pilot. She was trapped in there, and asked about the pilot. that’s her. That’s my girl. I’m marrying the goddamn mother Teresa. Javier told me she asked about the pilot. He told me she said other things to, when we came out of the OP – I’ll marry her, if she’ll have me, and spend the rest of my life trying to be worthy of her heart.
And the last thing I told her was not that I love her, but that I didn’t want to g to Paris, and then, nothing, I let her go. If she dies like this, I’m gonna kill myself just so that I can show up wherever she will be (heaven, I’m sure of it) and apologize. And tell her I love her.
I’m going in. The in law-talk. Here goes nothing. Yo Encarna
She has a hut up in the sierra. Shoot me now. What is happening to my body? Her hands…
God, her lips… hotter than any fireplace
Esther falling in love –and my body crawling out of my skin to be near her and around her… anything to be near her…
Later: they go for a weekend trip in the sierra. Love-making in front of the fireplace. Not trite. Real. Perhaps Maca has planned it as a first time, but that happens a lot sooner at her place while they actually didn’t even plan on it, or perhaps Esther wanted to, but Maca really hadn’t expected it…
At the hut: When you invited my up here.. when you kissed me – were you planning on seducing me? – Claro, tonta. J
That first night at Maca’s place (could also be at Esther’s – Maca brings her home with the bike, she asks her up and Maca never knows what hit her – when she comes to, her bra is dangling off the bedside lamp, morning light is falling through the window slants, and she is laying in Esther’s arms) I can’t believe this is the first time you’re doing this.
The evening where they had tea… so that the “Coffee? – Tea. – Tea?” with Elisa has a background that makes them both smile so much. Perhaps they talk about how coffee would just wire them up further and they should have tea so they won’t spontaneously combust, so tea becomes a synonym for “I want you so badly that any further adrenaline would kill me.”
I haven’t been home in ten days. My apartment, anyway. But home in Maca’s arms, every night and every morning. Who thought that the snob could be so domestic. She snuggles. I’ve never been with anyone who snuggles up in bed like she does. Perhaps it’s a woman thing but then, I didn’t spoon my boyfriends all the time, either. Perhaps it’s just Maca. And for now, she’s all mine. – She keeps making breakfast for me, even if it’s just a coffee, she always does. And when we wake up, not matter what, the first thing she does when she opens her eyes and looks at me is smile, and it just melts me away every time. Also, it drives me absolutely crazy. No wonder we are late for half of our shifts these days.
I’m so in love I can’t think straight. No pun intended. Or perhaps yes, pun intended. Some days, I don’t know what I have to offer her, even though she treats me like a queen. She is so beautiful, she could have anyone. But then she gives me that look again, the one that says she’s in love with me, too, and I stop asking and just thank my good fates and hope that this will go on for as long as possible.
My legs are trembling, she says. Her hair is cascading wildly around her face, her eyes are sparkling with excitement and all I can do is stare at her and think that I’d like to see her like this more often. Not just demounting a motorcycle. I tell her that my legs are trembling (ugh, smooth Maca, real smooth. Now she’ll ask why, since clearly you have ridden a motorcycle before, and you’ll have to come up with something other than “because the way your smile with your tousled her makes you look as f you’ve just had really great sex and I want to be the one who has given it to you.” Nope. Not an option. ), as well, but God knows it’s not from the bike ride, apart from the part where she had her arms slung around me. Not just holding on precariously, no, firmly… Well, if there was any question as to whether I am attracted to her… Oh yes, I am.
The dinner with the drinkable paella – I had the most fun in ages. She was sweet, funny, natural – God, when did I last dine with a woman and have such a good time, just talking and joking and sharing stories? Probably never. Women like her aren’t found where I grew up, and I think they’re rare in general. I’m so glad I met her. With my luck in woman, she’s probably straight or just curious, but I can’t help flirting a little with her anyway.
She never tried to impress me. She knows who she is, and she was never intimidated by my name, or my money. I love her for that. For that sincerity.
So much modesty. So much warmth. So much caring. So much energy, and interest in the things around her – responsibility, and taking care of things and taking a minute just to smile at something she saw. I can’t believe she loves me. Preppy, snobby, arrogant stuck-up haughty Maca who can’t talk all that well about her emotions… Her hands. Small, firm, deft… and so sure of what they do. Always. Even the first time she touched me. Feeling of security and home.
Whom does Maca date first? Fernando or Azucena?
It just seems like the cancelled wedding isn’t that long ago, and it would be a reason to flee Jeréz… but why doesn’t she know anyone in Madrid then, where Azucena clearly lives? Azucena has to be truly over – when was the cancelled wedding? Is Fernando gay? (the chap who is picking her up at the hospital in (3×03…)?!) Did Azucena move to Madrid? If so, why did Maca go there? Good offer from the hospital, and simply hopes she’ll never see her again?!
Azu first: They were together when she studied, Maca got her heart broken, Azucéna was already married, then pregnant? Or baby there already? Hides back in Jeréz, old childhood flame, convenience marriage, escapes at the last moment.
Fernando first: childhood flame, convenience marriage, making out with the bridesmaid at her bridal shower… or with one of the all female guests anyway. One of them Azu? Nah… Meets Azu in Jeréz, husband later gets transitioned to Madrid… travels for a while… tension with her family…has her own apartment? Breaks up with Azu at least a year before taking the position in Madrid. Perhaps the break-up is Azu and family moving to Madrid, leaving a working Maca behind…?! Who canceled another position because of Azucéna who had that time was planning on staying in Jeréz.
Esther – the day she went into the jewelry store and bought the ring for herself. No more men. Well, she hadn’t expected to turn out quite this way.
The at first glance unobtrusive way Maca doted on her. The looks. The compliments. She feels special, cherished, strange to become a close friend to such an upper class brat, but then she realizes that the dynamic is different. They talk about things like friends, and she would say the same thing to a friend, this shirt looks good on you, but why felt it different with Maca? She looked differently when she said things like that.
Sometimes you envy something about another woman. The legs. The hair. The dress sense. But with Maca, it was not envy… it was an odd fascination. Not the desire to have those characteristics on herself, but more of a selfless, and yet not so selfless, joy that Maca possessed them. She loved them on her.
Going out one night with colleagues, dinner, half accidentally ending up dancing – Esher dancing, Maca’s jaw hitting the floor. Won’t join in…
Why not? It’s like sports?
I prefer skating.
With no safe ground under my feet? No thanks!
And Maca thinking that the ground under her feet felt a lot more shaky right now than when she was skating. Like after she had first taken her along with the bike… oh, she had it bad. Which reminded her, she had to ask Esther whether she should pick her up the next afternoon for their shift with the bike.
The way Maca’s eyes lingered a little longer, and on places like her lips, or her neck… the way she ordered her another drink or picked out the best table and waited until Esther herself was seated before she sat down.
The small things Esther started to notice, the ones that left her with an odd feeling in the pit of her stomach. The way the watch slid across her wrist. Elegant The way she licked her lips and frowned when she was really concentrating on something. Sometimes it happens when she looks at me. Endearing The way her voice changes when she really wants to get a point across. Sensual. Intense. The way her hips look in those jeans when her jacket is riding up. God. I didn’t just think this.
Maca lobbing the softball – is that an engagement ring? – Oh, bad. I shouldn’t even ask. Don’t go down that road. Well, at least she isn’t married with a kid. I think. Bad luck with men. Really? – Maca has licked blood. My brothers have dubbed this the tigress look and I’m sure I’m sporting it at this very minute. Oh, I shouldn’t even consider this… but if she has never had any luck with men… and sometimes her looks linger a little longer, perhaps.. or wishful thinking… if so, she has no idea… but those smiles just bewitch me. What do I do?
Are you ordering me to?
Oh, in the air between them for a moment. Hot. Wild. Stringing her along.
Game goes on, Esther teasing Maca.
Are you sure.
Really, really sure?
Manifestation of desire – Esther dreams of Maca. Cooking. Some wild sensual mix-up of ingredients and Esther trying to prepare something and Maca smiling and snatching pieces of her cutting board (could be right before the dinner with Esther’s friends, or right after), and then it’s not fruit under fingers anymore, but Maca’s skin, and Maca is still smiling, but there is something else in her eyes, too, which is frightening and endlessly exciting and makes her not want to stop even though she knows it is terribly inappropriate, and she is supposed to cook dinner, but Maca’s arms coming up around her, sees wrists, watch, gleam, hands wanderig up and even in her dreams, her own breast feel heavy and she realizes she wants this touch, she wants it… shrieks up, feels every motion of the thin sheet against her breasts. So sensitive. –After she learns Maca is gay, is just a way of dealing with it, she has a basic psych knowledge, it’s just a way of dealing.
But oh, how Maca had looked at her when she had said that all she wanted was to fall in love again… or hadn’t she?!
She is like sunshine. Like light. From the way she smiles to the way she takes delight in small things to the way she cares about people. Her aura is something you can bathe in and feel the effect immediately. I sure as hell do.
The first moment, after being put down by her, where Maca feels a pull of attraction for Esther – in that first cooking class when Esther messes something up, and isn’t overtly defensive and embarrassed, but just laughs with real delight and humor. And Maca incidentally pours way too much salt into her own dish.
After they get together, perhaps Maca carrying Esther off rescue-team style – hey, put me down. – that’s my intention – dumps her on the bed. Following suit. Thinking that with Esther she was exactly who she wanted to be, all she ever had dreamed of being.
Bit of serious undertones: Esther reflecting being perceived as a dyke, overwhelmed by all the codes and political implications, the history she never studied… (I see her as bi, by the way) – but when she was with Maca, it was just Maca and her, no flags and no signs, no dress codes and no agendas, no roles and no expectations. Just her and Maca, and their hair intertwined on the pillows and sleeping in her arms and having her cook the coffee for breakfast, (and nobody could say anything was wrong, or who had to be the man or the woman/and thy didn’t have to be anyone but themselves) and being with her and nothing else. Just two people and love. (And she thinks she would have loved Maca if she had been a man, as well. Something headstrong and confident and charming and considerate, white light and shining armor, and yes, she was a woman, but she would loved her as a man a well. – Or wouldn’t she? There were all these about Maca that she loved so much, and that were so exclusively feminine – her hair, the way if fell across the pillows, the way her watch slid over her slender wrist when she worked, her fingers, long and slim and gracious (so unlike her own), her voice (oh, we need a section of Maca driving Esther crazy with her voice. Seductive knight in shining armor and lacy underwear. Jejejeje.) and the way she came up to lean against her for support when the day had been hard.)
Before they get together – just what doe Esther feel when she rides on the motorcycle with Maca? After she knows she’s gay? When she holds onto her? – She wouldn’t hit on me, she knows I’m straight, is this weird for her?! What does she feel? And in trying to imagine what Maca might feel, she actually outlines her own feelings… warmth, curve of hip under her fingertips, slope of waist… uh, I mean hands around her waist, me behind her…
Maca jealous – oh, for the image alone. It wouldn’t happen over a man. It would happen over a woman. A patient who is a bit too doting, perhaps? And perhaps a little older? Or young, and athletic, and from the same barrio Esther is from?! Maca can’t compete with that… it is a class issue. And Maca says, why do you o this for her? Maca, it’s my job. – Muy borde: if you think your job is to smile at her like this… –
And in the end, Esther could say, cute you get jealous, too, and just so you know, I like my girls stroppy and utterly bourgeois… – your girls? – Just one. My girl.
It’s not just about her smiles. Her laughs.
And well, parents, if you had raised your daughter instead of Carmen, perhaps now I’d be happy traveling from polo tournament to polo tournament. But Carmen raised me, thank God, and I’m happy staying in honest, unpretentious people’s kitchen and building my own happy little life with my own hands.
So…Azucéna first. And she is not the first woman, either. Brothers (3 older; Jeronimo the oldest) almost cheering her on; oh, our sister is so much like we are, rompecorazones. The tomboy princess, heart of her father’s eye, then Azucéna, meets her as a student, perhaps at the clinic, or when there is a photoshoot at the vineyards, her brothers egging her on, and only in the end they really fall in love, Azucéna already married, kid just born – learns first that kid (Luisito; referenced 8×04) , then husband — (meeting could also be in the clinic), Azu makes it clear she is not about to leave her husband, fights, “and the nights he came home and they say on the couch and she had to pretend she was nothing but a good friend…” – hated to lie; but oh the things we do for love.
Maca keeps wanting Azucéna to leave her husband and come away with her, Azucéna likes it that Maca can buy her all sorts of things, early trips together – or perhaps before the kid, that would explain why Luisiot can’t be more than 5 years old) does not recognize her) – how do they go on a student trip when Azu has the kid already?! Dump it at Abuela´s?! It has to be a year wit Azu at least, perhaps two – nah, Maca has to know Luisito – so meets her with kid (she could fall in love with her over the kid clinic visit?! College internship?)
Break-up over job offer for Azu’s husband, they move to Madrid, leaves Maca behind heartbroken – never really brought Azu home as her gf cuz married cuz mother would freak, but everyone kind of knew but didn’t know?!
So, heartbroken, perhaps went to Madrid to her house trying to talk to her and got kicked out (did the husband ever find out?), tries to recover at home (had moved into her own place during college/residency) at the mansion, and then old childhood buddy Fernando shows up who’s always had a soft spot for her, his attentions are flattering and comforting, he doesn’t ask for much (perhaps she sleeps with him, but it is more for comfort – perhaps on a drunk crying jag night, and it ends up as a comfort arrangement, and then they just sort of wander down convenience road) and he is the son of one of dad’s best friends and business partners, and she sees how happy it makes her father so of course she wants to please him (of course it would be interesting if she agrees to the proposal the day she has heard via the grapevine that Azucéna is pregnant again, or whatnot) and she is kind of überrumpelt, but doesn’t have the heart to say no, doing the right thing for the family, honor, blabla, mother telling her you had your fun log enough, now it’s time to think of us, and Fernando is kind and softspoken and gives her space and respects her work… He knows it isn’t the big love marriage, perhaps he is kind of closeted as well ??? nah, too much – they mutually decide to blow it off. Bridal shower of sorts more than two weeks beforehand and Maca makes out with the bridesmaid or some sort of similar thing, talks to Fernando, I don’t want to cheat on you, you know I love you, but you deserve someone who loves you passionately, not just out of convenience (I could be a cheating wife like normal in our class, but I don’t want that.). And he says, you are right. I was dubious, too, but my dad… and I’d never go back on my word. And Maca says, but my Dad. We’ll have to tell them – the invitations. Oh God… He asks, did you meet someone? A new girl? No… not really. But it’s something I can’t give up (yeah, by the time she is over Azucéna she is already engaged to Fernando) – did you meet someone. – There is this new section chief at work… from the US department… I don’t even know if she likes me, and she knows I’m engaged…- well, we can change that… you’re my best friend. – Well, ah won’t change!
After the cancelled wedding, she wants a position out of town and applies to Madrid., completely away from family ties.
So Fernando is the guy who picks her up at the end of 8×03 when Esther is already wondering (and jealous. Kind of. Ha.)
After Esther asks whether Maca has a boyfriend – Teresa brings a magazine the other day, from the hairdresser who is a friend of mine and let me have it, an older issue, perhaps a few months, covers the cancelled “Wilson wedding”. Photos of Maca and Fernando, does she recognize Fernando from when he picked up Maca? Or was she too busy staring at Maca’s , uh, hips in those pants?!
So I got the magazine – so you could read it..
Just for me, eh?
Teresa tossing her hands up, well, you wanted to know whether she has a boyfriend!
Who stands up Maca in 8×02?! A girl she chatted up and who then got cold feet – I want it to be a kind of possible romantic interest, a first dinner, look at how dressed up she is… and then she has a much nice evening with Esther and here the wheels are beginning to turn for Maca – from, hm annoying/cute/hot/nice, to… could I be interested in her?!
For Esther, it starts after meeting Azucéna – she really didn’t think Maca could be gay before; and while she noted things about her and felt a bit of jealousy over the ex-boyfriend, it was entirely unconscious. – looking at her and trying to imagine how Maca would look like kissing this woman, and being jealous and feeling strangely drawn to it.
Maca: she closes the blinds, good, because I’m not thinking…
Esther: kissing, pushing me up against the wagon, meds tumbling done, then against the cupboard and all I can think is that I will have this every day, to wake up to, to go to bed with, in between, living with me, being able to kiss her and sleep with her ever night and on the kitchen table in between… okay, we’re practically living together now… half my clothes at her place, but still…
Esther: the day after the kiss when Maca switched shifts with Salinas. – no, wait… there is the weekend in between, or isn’t there?!
Oh, and Esther waited all day, not knowing she won’t come, looking for her in Pediatrics. She hardly slept the night before, thoughts over thoughts running through her mind, until she knew that yes, she was in love with Maca. Or attracted to her. I stayed in my apartment as well. If only you knew. Stared at the mirror, tried to figure out whether I looked gay. Imagined your lips on my neck again. Your hands on my body. Mine on yours. Blushed. Drank. Took a cold shower. Wished I had gone to the sierra with you. Wished you had never asked. Wished I had let you kiss me again. Wished I had kissed you back.
And Maca, nervous, the next day. Oh, she had bravely fled the scene yesterday because she did not want to molest Esther (and thought about nothing but her the whole weekend), because she did not want to have this conversation – all weekend, the bike, but then not the bike, reminded me of her behind me, skating till I was sore, but still the smell of her in my mind, in my nostrils, the muscles of her back under my fingers, through shirt and work clothes, warm and tempting…
She comes to talk to me — doesn’t look at me. At least she comes to talk, but what will she say. Oh, I so don’t want to have this conversation… Well, here goes nothing. I try to be stand-offish, blow her off and yet my voice lowers when I tell her hello. She is flustered. And determined. She is adorable when she is flustered. She is adorable when she is determined. I so need to get out of here… All but fleeing to Pediatrics. Fleeing again! Where is the Wilson dignity when you need it?! I made a complete fool of myself. Kissed her. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
Later, I see her from afar… another unattainable straight woman? But she reacted… Another bi-curious woman? Please no… Oh, why did I ever kiss her, but I don’t regret it, and yet I do, for I remember how her skin tasted under my lips and I can’t shake it… I will not sleep in days…
The motorcycle ride: She didn’t even ask why I had the second helmet at hand. Sure, I always drive through town looking for girls to pick up… Overheard Teresa saying it, that she walks to work… Maca during the day, missing Esther whom she doesn’t see all day and then disappointed, almost crushed, ridiculous when Esther declines her offer of a ride home – and puzzling over her odd answer.
Mine, too. My knees are shaking as well. I cringe inwardly. Smooth Maca, real smooth. Even though it’s true, but it has nothing to do with the bike ride and everything with how tousled her hair is and how fast her breaths go and her eyes are sparkling… God! She looks like she’s just had really good sex, and I desperately want to be the one to have give it to her.
Teresa: skip the truffles, will ya? It’s not like her paycheck has Wilson level…
I offered to share…
Wouldn’t you decline as well?
Opens mouth, closes it. No more truffles. I say soberly.
No more truffles, Teresa reiterates no nonsense and reaches for the phone again.
And I marvel at that loyalty and devotion and care Esther sees to inspire in everyone. Hell, in me as well. So what else could I do for her if not cook her dinner…
So if they don’t shag right away after the first kiss – (give them another day! And a big planned date! And then day day before the big planned date, they end up at Esther’s tear off each other’s clothes like no tomorrow and love each other all over the place) and Maca will take her home on the motorcycle, and moment Esther demounts and looks at her – and now I can place that look. Desire. My knees grow weak all over again.
And they end up standing kissing in the street for half an hour… I really have to go…stumbles up the two stairs to the door, needs to balance herself with a hand against the doorframe, wait for a comment, but Maca just smiles hugely, her eyes wide, slightly dazed, and waits until I disappear into the house before she starts the bike again.
8×01: run in, fights, cooking class
8×02: the pija is a Wilson, truffles and dinner
8×03: I prefer normal girls, druggie attacks Esther, tu que crees, guy (Fernando) picks Maca up for a beer
8×04: the first try with the bike, did you miss me, I could take you home
8×05: I like you fine, Azucena the first, salimos, I want to fall in love again
8×06: riding in together, tienes tiempo para il cafè; Vermouth?, I have a hut in the mountains… tigress eyes *RRRRRooarrr*
8×07: I’m not waiting for anyone; changed shifts and smitten awkward greetings, qué quiero repetirlo, la enfermera mas guápa, kiss in the elevator, the card saying “I’m a lesbian”
8×08: the flower, tell them if you want, party at Anna’s, or rather at home, getting busted by Elisa, leaving together.
8×09: un té. El legendario informe. The things we nurses do, que eres me reina, Teresita gets a clue
8×10: the day off – breakfast, skating, that’s’ what you said the other day, who’s Raquel?
8×11: yes, I am with Maca, José Luiz, jealousy over Raquel, pareja normal, making up and kicking the door shut.
8×12: Maca meets Encarna, and is happy she was well liked by her, Esther says she won’t come out to her mother; you get out more with her.
8×13: Azucena the second, I’d like you to ask me to stay with you, I love you. And someone walks in.
8×14: scared of the rapist, I won’t let you out of my sight at all, which is new how?
8×15: plans for a joint Christmas, talking about the parents, I’ll go with you, me encantas.
8×16: Esther gets a makeover, Maca promises to rip her clothes of at home. Class and self‑image issues abound, Maca is once more the perfect girlfriend.
8×17: I haven’t been home in ten days, I’d go crazy if the separated me from you, let’s move in together
8×18: looking for a place, de orgia en orgia, I’m not ashamed of you, the vuelca-tortillas, do you really have headache? Too bad…
intros for var[title]
Link 1: Maca and Esther? Never heard of them. – What the hell is she talking about, and what is this Hospital Central show?
Link 2: Claro que las conozco. Mí segundo apellido es ‘Maca y Esther’. Hombre, dame la historia ya!!
Link 3: *glaring like Vilchez on a bad day* I may not be Spanish, but I do know my ‘Maca y Esther’! Fork over the story, y pronto!